Fault- Part Two

Footsteps echoed in the darkness of the night. I was right, even after hours Alex didn’t give up. When we had been younger no matter how much I beat him he’d insist on another game. We’d play until long after the sun went down. When I got sick, he’d sit by me all night. Even if I asked him to he wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t sleep. I remember one of those conversations.

“Alex, you can’t stay here. What if it’s contagious?” I wheezed trying to shoo him away.

“Then we’ll go down together. Even if the world turns to ash I will not leave your side.” Although we were just teenagers he meant every word. “Listen, April, even if I get married, start a family, and move away, the second you need me I’ll be back for you.” Tears brimmed in his eyes. I think we both knew I was going to die. We had a mutual understanding, and I know that I must have looked bad. Everyone around us seemed to still hope, but we knew. We both knew that I wouldn’t see him get married, graduate, or have kids. This was it for me.

“Alex…” I was at a loss for words. He cared about me more than even my parents. I hugged him for a brief moment.

He had sat with me every night, every day, every moment, at least until I died. When I awoke as a Monitor I saw my family suffer. My mom started drinking and my dad had to support my brothers. Tommy constantly asked Alex how I was doing and where they sent me. Alex kept his composure, but alone in his room he’d break down into tears. I couldn’t help him because I was dealing with my own issues.

I felt the need to kill people. I wasn’t sure why I just knew they needed to die. Every time I did I lost a little of myself. First my hair, then my eyes, and slowly I couldn’t recognize anything about myself. I dreaded mirrors, and I never talked to anyone. My family became too difficult for me to watch and I stayed far from them.

My heartless murders became the only thing that stayed the same, that kept me from getting angry. I started to understand and accept the fact that I killed. Then I saw Alex in the park, holding hands with a girl. He smiled, and I saw pure joy in his face. She was supposed to die though. As I looked at her I saw she was supposed to die tomorrow. She couldn’t know though. She wouldn’t know how much it would hurt him. Emotions struck me in the heart, but I blocked it out, unwilling to face this conclusion. I realized how much what I do affects people. I tried to block out the guilt, but it was my fault.

Since then I’ve made my kills look more accidental. It still hurts the family, just not as much. Instead of unsolved murders, they simply drove off cliffs. Of course, they didn’t really drive off. I don’t have mind control, but I do have extreme strength and I know things. Phone numbers, where to get money, and things I never would have figured out on my own. I’m not sure how I learned these facts, but I like to believe that there is some kind of god out there. One that made me do this. I don’t want to face the truth. I don’t want to think that this may just be me. That I am the god of death.

I was aware of everything as I moved from my hiding spot in that moment. The crisp air around my face, the sound of Alex calling out for the homeless girl, and my heart pounding in my ears. For once in my life after death, I felt like I hadn’t died. I was scared yet hopeful for a future no matter how dark. Something in my life suddenly mattered. Maybe I had the chance to make Alex happy. Give him some closure. Fear stopped me from moving into his view. He was happy before. I shouldn’t ruin his life. I turned from the street where he was searching and started to walk away.

“Wait!” Pounding footsteps echoed against the brick buildings, growing softer, fading. A hand grasped my arm and turned me to meet Alex’s pleading eyes. I almost cried right then and there. Tears brimmed in my eyes and I forced them down with a choked gasp. I struggled to pull my arm away, avoiding his eyes. His grasp didn’t falter though. He was too busy looking at me.
“Let… Me.. Go!” I struggled frantic and annoyed, “What do you want from me?” Something was happening from his touch. I felt the full force of the emotions I had blocked out. Grief struck me and sadness filled the empty space in my mind. I’d never felt like this before. Even when I was alive I had never felt this mixture of pain and happiness. For fifteen years I had stayed in this empty world, doing what I thought was my purpose. Slowly a tingling sensation filled me, starting at my feet and moving slowly to my head. I saw my skin seem to glow before becoming a slight tan. My hair fell in front of my eyes, brown. Alex gasped dropping my arm.

“April?” His voice quavered and I saw he was close to tears himself, “B-b-but you’re dead. I held your hand as you died.” He sounded like a boy again. The memories of him crying alone in his room sprung into my mind. I hugged him tight to me. Despite our significant height difference, it felt natural. I never thought I would have the chance to do this again. I tried to stop but still felt myself crying. He did the same and we stayed like that.

“How are you here? How long have you been here?” He pulled away studying my face. I almost laughed at his attitude change.

“Ever since I died.” My voice cracked as I said died. It wasn’t something you say to people. Admitting you’re dead is like saying you can fly, it just doesn’t happen. His eyes glowed with pain and joy, a combination you never want to see in someone’s eyes, especially someone you care about.

“You’ve been alone?” I saw tears rise up in his eyes again and his arms wrapped around me, “You still owe me a game of soccer,” He sniffed reminding me of a promise I made before I died.

“I… I can’t stay with you,” I didn’t want to tell him what I do, but I knew he had to know. I told him everything, I remembered the names and faces of everyone that I had hurt. The memories of their final moments stuck in my mind, especially the faces. They are like ghosts that follow. As I spoke Alex’s face never wavered. I wanted so badly for him to tell me it was okay and he understood, but no emotions showed on his face. When I was done I waited for the slap of disappointment.

“You’ve killed people?” His hands dropped from my arms, settling crossed on his chest. I dropped my head staring at the muddy concrete. I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t say anything. If Alex didn’t like me then I truly was a monster.

The city was dark at night. I hadn’t ever realized how quiet. Alex left saying he needed to think things over. My mind kept switching between anger and sadness, unaware of how to handle this sudden waterfall of emotion. I walked through the city, aimlessly, wondering what was next for me. I knew there were people I should kill, but I kept seeing Alex’s eyes in my head. I heard his voice. I felt his hands on my arms. My brother knew I was still here, yet he left. He thought I was a monster.

I found myself at the top of a hill overlooking the city. No one was here this late at night so I sat on the single bench there. My head fell into my hands and I sobbed freely. My back heaved and I felt myself falling apart. I remember all the times I’d spent with Alex. The good, the bad, the fun, the boring, everything. I thought about how we came up to the top of this hill to think, together. I remembered fighting about food, clothing, and any little thing that got between us. I never considered that this would happen. That something so big would wedge itself between us. I brought this upon myself though. It’s my fault.

Tawny rays filled the sky as the sun started to rise. The darkness was forced out of the city. It was like me. I was the darkness. I wasn’t supposed to be here so I was forced out. My crying came to a stop and I was sure my eyes were red. I had no need for water so I’d cried for hours, letting out everything that had built up the fifteen years. I felt calm.

Walking down the stairs I took my last look at the city. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt like this was the end. Even if the world turns to ash it’s not my place to hurt people. The sense that I had to hurt certain people was gone, replaced with a sense of calm. I felt like I knew everything yet nothing at the same time, complete. I walked with a sense of direction. I know wherever I was going it would bring me the peace I needed.

The house I reached was old. I knocked on the door and smiled faintly when Alex answered. He moved to close the door, but I stopped him with the pure strength in my hand.

“Alex,” I knew exactly what I had to say, “I have done something wrong. I’ve hurt people, but I’m done. I’m leaving.” I didn’t feel sad, I knew it was time for me.

“No,” He sounded unsure of whether to be happy or sad, “You can’t leave. I just got you back.” He stepped outside shutting the door behind him. “April You’ve been gone for so long. Please, stay.” I shook my head. Although I would miss him this was my path.

“I can’t do that. You have a future ahead of you. Carry on without me. Someday you’ll join me in a more peaceful world. Just know that I’ll be watching over.” I touched his shoulder and saw my skin was glowing. I felt lighter and found myself floating in the air.

“Goodbye Alex,” I said fading into the air.

“Goodbye April,” He gripped my hand until all that was left was empty air. Although I was gone I saw him break down into tears, but this time it was okay. This time I brought him closure. This time he knew that I was okay. This time I was okay.