Hate

Sitting in the middle of my clutter

I feel something in my heart start to flutter

I feel it as it settles in my soul

Making me feel less whole

I know what it is and yet I try to deny it

Even as it starts to control me bit by bit

I lose myself in uncontrollable hate

Believing that it’s just my fate

I know I can’t be as bad as I think

But I lose my self-esteem in a blink

I believe myself to be something bad

And it always makes me unbelievably sad

I’m not sure just why I feel the way I do

And I know it’s always something I seem to pull through

But as I hide away on the farthest shelf

I know that I hate myself

Now I know that this is something that I never will share

That if I did most people would never care

But I need to write this, to put it on a page

To let go of my sadness and unforgivable rage

I wish people could hear the words that I say

If they did maybe then they would stay

They would know that I feel regret

And that even if you leave I don’t ever forget

The words you say will always stay in my mind

No matter how harsh or how kind

They leave an imprint on me

Never setting me free

I hear the echoes as they rage inside my thoughts

Tying me into knots

I want to be everything that they say

But I lose myself along the way

Then I face the reality

That I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a personality

I’ve faced this sadness for so long

That it doesn’t ever feel wrong

I don’t need people’s pity or sorrow

I know that I’ll make it to tomorrow

Because something in this world needs me to stay

What it is I can’t even say

I know that my life is a battle of pain

That no matter the love-hate will rise again

It’s always there just below the surface

Telling me that I’m just worthless

But I don’t have to listen, I can block it out

Because that is what life is about

Choosing what you say and just how you react

Know that what you hear isn’t always a fact

I know that there are many people just like me

That don’t have the ability to live carefree

But even in this world full of pain

There is one thing that will remain

Hope.